Tuesday, May 6, 2014

ST: TNG Datalore


Ah, A Data Episode, the First Data Episode in fact.   There is a lot of good will among Star Trek fans for these Episodes, as Brent Spiner was among the highlights of the regular cast, a full analysis of which is possibly long overdue, but sadly will not occur here.   Given his lack of standout performances outside of TNG (and no, his bizarre hick from Night Court does not count as a standout performance...), I think it is safe to say that it is less Brent Spiner's ability as an actor, his charisma or insight into character or comedic timing, and more a confluence of coincidence that led to a perfect storm.  Data is, in essence, the right role for the right actor at the right time in history on the right show, who happened to get the right writing...

Not necessarily great writing, mind you.  Perhaps we should leave the writing out of this and suggest instead that, for reasons opaque to us humble reviewers, Spiner was given the exact amount of freedom necessary to make Data such a fun character and not an ounce more by the directors. 

But enough of that, on with the Episode.

Captain's Log: The Enterprise happens to be on a mission near where Data was found, his home world, and Picard has a few spare hours to spend before they head to their next mission.  Neither mission will be expanded. I find the rate of missioning to be a curious element, as a close inspection of the show, such as I have been doing, suggests that events must progress at a some what languorous rate given the distances involved.  In 'The Battle' we learn that Maxia-Zeta is a full day of communication Lag with with Subspace radio to the nearest outpost, and in The Traveller episode we learn that Subspace Radio is roughly six times faster than 'full warp', putting Maxia Zeta a week outside of contact... and that is a system the Federation had explored at LEAST a decade earlier, so hardly new wilderness of space.  Further, the Enterprise regularly travels from mission to mission at a rate significantly lower than maximum, or even maximum cruising speed (call it roughly warp 7, while Picard frequently calls for warp two point something or three point something... so half of cruising speed). 

In short, the Enterprise takes weeks between missions, and may in fact spend weeks in any given episode, silently marking time out of sight of the Audience while the tedious business of 'crossing space' is undertaken. 

Now, if the Enterprise had an unrelated mission in this star system (something they can cross in mere hours instead of weeks), they could, in theory, have days to explore the world without particularly 'lagging', and exploration is part of their remit.  Exploratory missions must, by their very nature, but somewhat open ended and 'free'. If you know what the explorers are going to encounter then why send them, right?  So we might instead conclude that the Enterprise was merely in the stellar neighborhood and took a few extra days to get here, and will take a few extra days to make up the difference, which means they are cutting things really tight on their month long timetable... odd enough.

Or, you know, writers of Science Fiction never bother to actually work out timelines? 

Anyway:

There is a bit of speculation between Riker and Picard that Data wants to be alone because emotions or something. 

Instead it turns out he is attempting to Sneeze.  Leaving aside that this is really an excuse for Spiner to mug for the camera with his fake sneeze face, it is fundamentally stupid. 

Data wishing to learn how to laugh? Sure, I'll buy that.  I'd postulate that Data can, in fact, laugh perfectly by simply imitating people flawlessly (as he does when plot relevant), but he's attempting to learn to laugh for himself, when appropriate.

A sneeze is not a laugh. Its not an expression of emotion. Its a physiological response to biological (not social) stimulus. Further, if Data were to suddenly decide that being more human meant perfectly mimicking such involuntary responses such as Sneezing, inappropriate erections and drooling (to name three random like actions), I submit that the goofy mugging Spiner is doing would not be how he went about doing it.  In fact, I think Sneezing shouldn't be much more difficult for Data than blinking or making his mouth move while he talks...  

But there you have it. 

Because the show had no idea what it's tone was supposed to be. 

Enter Space Jesus, making this scene a perfect shitstorm of things that make TNG suck.  There is some business about having a cold (a disease people USED to get, like headaches), and Data assuming Space Jesus is referring to the adjective.  We do learn that Data has some difficulty prioritizing, as he apparently finds sneezing equally fascinating as being at his home world... which is fine except one he can do whenever he likes and the other is... right the fuck now or go pound sand. 

This is not hard. Of course, in theory Data is merely taking advantage of the fact that a starship traveling through space is not, in fact, at his home world right this moment...

But Space Jesus reveals that once again he is going about this whole Ensign business the wrong way, since he's really there to deliver a message from the Captain (and again: Comm badges? They use them constantly, but not in this scene?)

And end scene and, I believe the very last time someone thought it was a good idea to show Data trying to sneeze.  Someone tell the writer that this should have been used in the plot resolution later if they really needed to have it.

Back on the Bridge Yar reveals that the planet lacks all life, not even plant life, and Picard exposits that when the found Data there was farmland.  This isn't just Plot Relevant information, but is also Review Relevant!  There will be a quiz later. 

Data and Space Jesus arrive and Riker asks(???) Data to take the ship into orbit, but Data turns him down (??? not an order I guess?), so Space Jesus relieves the Uniform Skirt girl on the helm.  There is a tiny continuity issue, as she walks towards the back of the bridge, but when the camera cuts to Picard, Riker and Data, standing right over the helm, she is nowhere to be seen and we don't here a Transporter in the background.  She should be passing right behind them in that shot.  And no, I probably would never have noticed if I wasn't playing 'Spot the Skirts' with this show. 

They use Data's confusion over the term "home sweet home" as a jumping off point to exposite that Data has the composited memories of four hundred colonists from this world.  That's... new information and really muddles the issue of Data's issue with human behavior.  It clearly explains his random collection of trivia I suppose, but then makes hash of his difficulty contexutalizing human behavior. Also, I feel obligated to point out that Data is not only twenty years old, but he is twenty years of adulthood, lacking the decade or so of incapacity that plagues biological humans, making him closer to thirty. Officially, that makes him one of the slowest learning Starfleet officers we've ever seen, and that includes Picard!  Seriously: At his age he should be a little less 'childish wonder', don't you think?

Gah. I was wrong about the sneezing. Data references his lack of fundamental knowledge of sneezing on the bridge. Of course I can't expect Picard, of all people, to explain to Data that sneezing is not something people 'Know' or 'Not Know'... there is no ignorance of sneezing, per se. 

So Data's fundamental category error continues to remain uncorrected. But at least he doesn't do another of those horrible fake sneezes.

Picard tells Riker to assemble an away team, duh, then remarks about how he'd really like to go but for Riker, making an official reappearance of the trope that Kirk must have been a bad captain for always leaping into danger... which is true after a fashion. This is also Review Relevant. 

Lets review something: This is an apparently lifeless world with no known looming danger.  What exactly is the objection to the Captain going on This Particular away mission?   Once again, we establish that Ship Captains in general, or Picard in particular, have become some sort of coddled and protected class that must be kept from any harm (thus justifying, among other things, the aggressive body guarding by Yar and Worf even on notionally diplomatic missions to acquire Medicine, say...).  If it weren't for the constant 'threats' to promote Riker to captain of some other ship I'd say that clearly 'Ship Captain' is some sort of Federation Noble Title, rather than a job description, and Riker would never, ever be promoted. Perhaps Riker is some sort of squire to Picard?   I mean, in the Battle I suggested that the Writers clearly struggled with the Idea that Picard could have ever held a rank other than Captain.

We know this isn't true, but damn me if it doesn't look attractive as a theory this early in the show's run. It also helps explain how Janeway managed to make Captain, and how she not only survived her inevitable trial for gross criminal negligence in her duties, but managed to get promoted to Admiral (above even Picard, who never showed half the incompetence of Janeway....), while the highly practical Cisco wound up with the 'reject duty' of sitting boss on a mere outpost station that didn't even belong to the Federation in a strictly technical sense.  Clearly Cisco earned his stripes but lacked the family connections of Picard, and Picard lacked Janeway's pure bloodline (or something)...

Ok, ok... enough joking about a nonexistent Federation Nobility... for now. 

Riker does explain that the Colony did disappear.  Now, I'm having a bit of a time with this, having seen every episode, the movies and yes, read Memory Alpha.  I'm well versed in the lore of the show regarding Data, but... 

As of this episode I can't recall that any of this was 'old hat'.  That is to say, until Riker's line just here its only vaguely known from Context that the colony disappeared at some point.  Checking Farpoint briefly I can find no real hints of Data's history other than his graduating class as Starfleet Academy. I am reasonably sure Dr Soong was mentioned at some point prior to this episode, but I wouldn't put money on it. 

In short, we are getting a crash course in character development here, making this episode weaker that it appears looking back.  So what we've got so far is that Data was found on this world some twenty years earlier, that there was farmland, but no colonists (411 at least), and now there is still not colonists, but now no plant life either and nobody knows anything.

So: A federation colony of 400 people just vanishes without explanation and the Federation just shrugged and moved on without investigating? I mean, sure, they had a cool new robot to show for it, but still!

Riker's Log:

Standard Star Trek bleak planet terrain, though getting better. Less open sandy expanses of sound stage and more painted styrofoam rocks.  I find it highly amusing, however, that as Riker's voiceover says "Completely Dead World" the Camera is panning over fake trees.... complete with leaves. Sure, they are scrubby, spindly things, but leaves! Leaves pretty much implies living trees, especially after twenty years of being dead. Living trees are not 'completely dead'.  Ergo ipso sum, and some other nifty sounding latin gibberish. 

Also, tall stands of golden grass peeking around the rocks. Sure, dead grass, I guess? But given the utter lack of life (again: Twenty years!), down to soil bacteria that just seems out of place. Did someone forget to tell the set dresser?

So, as SOP for an away team, at least in classic Star Trek (less so for TNG), Yar pulls out a tricorder... amusingly, however, she isn't taking any readings but checking that they've got HBO from the Enterprise.

And Riker, for the FOURTH TIME in this episode, points out that this world is dead instead of farmland.

Fuck, man. We get it. The world is dead. Weird, huh? Maybe the Plot is involved?

Mind you, even counting the two and a half minute opening title, this is only five and a half minutes in. 

Riker asks Data if he remembers any of this, which strikes me as somewhat... off, as Data was found deactivated (but... activated as soon as he was found? Wandered about building topographical map? Eh, I'm verging on getting ahead of myself here...)

LaForge, meanwhile, totally VISORs the shit out of the dirt and determines that, despite a lack of even bacteria that it was once Farmland twenty to thirty years ago. How, exactly, I'm not sure. Organic residue in the soil? But without bacterial decay... man, VISOR is better than House and CSI combined!  We'll let it pass, however, since he doesn't give us much to work with.

Data reveals he was found exactly 26 years ago (see my comment about his long learning curve on being human...).  LaForge says that everything was dead or dying when Data was found, which calls into question the abilities of the crew of the Tripoli (the ship that found Data in the first place...) if they failed to notice that. Trees? Sure, I can understand failing to notice, visually, that a tree has died recently. They can be tricky that way, but farmlands and crops? Dead crops, even living but somewhat sickly crops tend to stand out.  But... 

Anyway, Data points, and people move away from the dirt to the rocks where Data was found. There are some neatly carved steps in the fake stone that is dressed to look raw, which is a 'huh?' sort of thing, but trivial. So, the Set Dresser was obviously from the B Team here.  Anyway, the steps lead to a big stone slab in front of a very shallow cave or niche.  The slab is where Data was found. 

I will note that absolutely nothing on this world, with the exception of the steps and the slab appear worked by human hands. No buildings appear even in the matte painted background, and the rocky terrain where the steps are would appear more like a dry riverbed than 'rich farmlands' which leads to all sorts of questions about Federation Colonial Procedures. 

Data was apparently coated with a layer of dust, implying he was lying there for some time before he was found. How much dust might be relevant, but is sadly unavailable. Clearly, since this is a dusty outdoors environment we can assume he means to imply more than simple wind borne debris that he might accumulate within a few minutes on a typical day so we are talking at least a few weeks or months, though I suspect the writers intend to suggest 'A Long Time', so Months to Years. This is, however, impossible, as I will later discuss. 

So, while everyone goes all poetically nostalgic on Data's birthplace, LaForge VISORs the shit out of the rocks and reveals that it was only cleverly disguised to LOOK like natural stone.  This begs the question 'Why?', and we will be given half the answer, eventually.  

Mind you, the entire area is maybe twenty or thirty feet to a side, the niche LaForge is looking at is five or six feet from the Slab where Data was found, and the Tripoli 'landing party' (instead of away team? So they shuttled down instead of transported? Its irrelevant as far as I can tell, but still a curious change of phrase) failed to find the hidden catch that leads to a vast underground complex... right fucking there? 

Least curious ship crew ever?  Hey look! A mysterious signal brought us to this planet! And.. a Robot! Wow! Ok, so that's solved, lets go home, guys.

Not one tricorder reading on the planet, no investigation of the area where the robot was found, no attempt to address the problem of the missing colonists? Just: hey, a robot! Awesome.  Nap time.

Sigh.

I mean: Its not like LaForge goes on about how very subtle it all is. No, he points to all these signs about how rushed the effort was, clearly expecting the non-VISOR crew to see whatever clues he is pointing too.  This leads to Data having a worthless memory. Since he doesn't know what they were hiding from (LaForge already pointed out they were Hiding), all he can say is that their fear of discovery (People who are hiding generally don't want to be discovered), led to their putting memories into him (which... we already knew he had their memories, which was just revealed this episode, so he has resolved exactly zero mysteries here...)

LaForge, clearly bored with Data's memory, opens the door to the compound. Heh.

I like how Riker finds the Star Trek Light Switch and turns the whole compound on. Yar tricorders that there are no life readings here either, in case you thought the locals were just sleeping.  They all walk for a while as the mood music plays the theme of mildly tense mystery, until they come to a random door which, as it happens, is also the only plot relevant room in the entire joint.

No, seriously, what is the map of this place? This one hallway that happens to lead to the outside just leads to the one room where the colonists hid all the shit that might be interesting to random star fleet personnel?  411 people called this compound home, but the one and only room the crew checks out on camera holds, in order, Dr Soong's workstation, Lore, and a child's drawing of the Crystalline Entity (most banal monster of the week name ever. Clearly no one was trying very hard at this point...).  This is just bad staging, folks.  I mean, even in Naked Now Riker sent people to other rooms. Sure, we only ever see LaForge in one room, but there was at least some notion of other parts of the ship, Yar reporting over the comm badge that she was in engineering and so forth.  Here the entire away team walks through apparently featureless hallways (we can't see if they pass doors or not) until they arrive at one room, they all go in and find... everything that matters to the plot, and... that's it.

Eh. Back to the real-time review I guess. 

So. No dust. Apparently there are roombas running around for the last twenty six years.  Good to know the Federation keeps their colonies clean, regardless of their lack of regard for the actual lives of the colonists. 

We see lots of sciencey stuff, including blinking neon rods.  

We get a close up of some childish drawings of... well.. the apocalypse.  Riker is apparently utterly unaware of what normal childish drawings look like because all he says is 'Posted by proud parents'?

Seriously: You can clearly see little people running with looks of terror on their cartoony little faces, stick figures being thrown about by explosions of some sort and so forth, all around either the worlds most evil looking sun or some vast alien entity of possibly crystalline construction. Hmm... what could it be?  Just another day in the life of billy, age five. You know how it goes.  This also triggers a Data Memory, and God will I love it when they leave this planet so Data can stop saying that.

If only because each one is fucking useless, full of Troi-esque levels of vague banality.  

"Hmm.. I remember something. Yes, this was something terrible and dangerous, but I have no idea what it represents"

Or

"I feel like this ferengi might be greedy and selfish. Also, I think he's looking at my tits." 

Thank you, captain obvious. 

I get that they don't want to reveal too much, too early... though why exactly they think THIS is the big secret that needs to be kept I have no idea... but I think they are taking it a bit too far. 

Data does go on to remember (triggered by the kid drawings for no reason whatsoever!) that 'this is Dr Soong's work station.  I know, I mentioned that, but Riker's response is informative. 

Riker is clearly surprised to hear that name and has to verify the Dr Soong in question is the one he's heard of (Noonian, of course), which not only tells us that Dr Soong is somewhat famous, but also that prior to this moment no one had any idea who built Data.   Data 'remembers' that Dr Soong travelled under a false name (which, why? I am getting ahead here, but he was an embarrassed, disgraced scientist, not a criminal or fugitive.  He was the guy who said "I shall build awesome robots!" and then went, "I have failed to build awesome robots, I must... hide my face in shame, travel under fake names to some forgotten backwater colony and continue working on my awesome robots scheme!"  It makes no sense. What, does the Federation deny passports to colonies for guys who fail to deliver their awesome robots on schedule?)

Data, a robot with curiosity (if not emotion?), and no real knowledge of his origins, has apparently never looked up contemporary robotics scientists in federation history, ever.  Every member of the crew has something to add to the exposition about who Dr Soong was (mind you, he went missing more than 26 years ago! in disgrace no less...), for Data's benefit, yet Data clearly knows the name from his memory. One would think that if, while in the course of researching roboticists he came across this clearly not-obscure name it would have triggered a memory.

No? 

Moving on: One of points of exposition, from YAR of all people... ms "I grew on on a post-apocalyptic world with Rape Gangs and only escaped as a young adult and went into Security because I clearly have no business running a starship"... establishes that Dr Soong's big project was... the Positronic Brain (from Aasimov, whom she name checks as well. Clearly the best defense against Rape-gangs was being a lit-nerd!)... and I am positive that Data's Positronic Brain was already established before this episode. 

So: Some few years (at most) before Data is found, Dr Soong proclaims he will invent the Positronic Brain. Clearly this is something he should have been able to do over a long weekend brainstorm, since when he fails to deliver this new invention, he is so disgraced that he is laughed out of the scientific community, is forced to change his name and take refuge on a distant colony of only four hundred and ten people (Counting children? I think not...), which is a bit like retreating to Forks, Washington because you are clumsy-pretty. Or not.  A few years later someone finds a really cool robot on some distant missing colony world, and hey! Its got a positronic brain and no one, not one person, in the 26 intervening years said to themselves "What about that crazy Soong guy? Wasn't he working on positronic brains around that time?" 

Ugh. 

Now, once this bit of idiocy is played out Riker sends Yar and Worf to explore the corridor. No, literally, he tells them to see where the corridor leads.  This means its now time for LaForge to VISOR the shit out of the room while Riker reveals that this is where they put Skin on Data.  Yar reports in, in what has to be the fastest exploration EVER that the compound is full of empty beds (see? Nothing of plot relevance exists outside this one room), as LaForge finally VISORs the shit out of Lore.

They open the wall, the fog of slow revealing parts to show... body parts!  I like how Lore's legs are placed ass towards the audience... given that we know, in slightly excruciating detail, that Data is no Ken Doll, this is actually the in-offensive choice.  Riker asks the smart question "how many Datas are there', but LaForge foolishly points out that there are just enough parts for one. That's a remarkably literal reading of the question, and somewhat insulting to Riker's intelligence (not that, you know, he's been sharp as the proverbial tack in this episode...). 

LaForge's Response also sets up what will be a minor recurring theme in this episode, that of everyone struggling around the concept of insulting Data accidentally with 'It'. I'll explore it as it comes up in more detail, of course.

Data picks up a really, really, bad fake Data head. He asks a weird question: "Could this be another me, or possibly my brother?" 

Its redundant. Clearly the question is not that there might be two Datas... twenty six years of life experiences, at a minimum, separate them at that point, and existentially they would have separate existences in separate bodies regardless of how similar their memories and mentation were.  Notional relationships grounded in biology are irrelevant, thus the use of 'Brother' is purely symbolic... and functionally identical to 'Another Me'.  Thus the question is 'weird'. 

Riker answers it seriously, rather than treating it as clearly rhetorical. Bah.  

I'm not going to fisk every line of dialog in this scene, but its all bad. Some of the ideas underlying the various sentences are fine, even good... and the delivery is professional.  But.. the writing, oh god, the writing! 

Captain's Log

Shots of Chief Engineer Argyle (Him again? NOOOOOO!!!!!) in a dark laboratory with Lore parts stored in pickle jars for some reason... not pickle jars precisely, but clearly being preserved in fluid. This despite their twenty six years of dry storage just fine. Little late, guys. Data looks on nervously.

Argyle, and the extras, are clearly bad engineers. They handle the various robot parts (and these are big, whole unit pieces here, with clear connection points and flanges) like silverback gorillas handling  an erector set. I half expect to hear them start Ooking and banging pieces on tables.  Seriously, inside Lore (and presumably Data) there are flat panels closing off various sub parts with quick connect ports to link them. Data's foot is fucking plug-n-play, for gods sake. For that matter, so is his head. This leads to very interesting questions about the design of space robots, but I'll let them go except to note that Data has very little structural integrity apparently.  He should fly apart like C-3PO when shot.  Hell, moresoe, as C-3PO was clearly built around a more or less organic skeletal framework with lots of interlinkages. 

Also: seams. Lore, and therefore presumably Data, has clear seams, mold flashing, where his skin was joined. Not little ones either, we're talking half inch wide seams on every part of his body. Presumably at some point Data went about shaving down the obvious ones on his Neck and Hands, but for all his 'fully functional' comments, a naked Data is probably pretty unsexy the way a stripped doll tends to be. 

Again, no one really uses Comm badges, as Doc, of all people, tells Data he's needed at the staff meeting, or whatever.  Now, clearly this is due to staging scenes for filming. MacFadden is needed in the lab set for future scenes which will be filmed 'now', as is Spiner, but it just plays weird.  Spiner isn't leaving the set to go to the briefing room set, he just pretends to, before they film the next lab scene. But it plays weird.  Why is the doctor delivering messages for the captain in person when the have perfectly good intercom systems available to them? 

Anyway, Argyle comes over so Data can ask if Lore can be assembled, and Argyle admits that the Federation doesn't know jack and shit about Robots, bro. Data accepts this (because why would he have a vested interest in ensuring the crew of his own ship could repair him if he broke down? Don't be silly!), and Argyle gets all shy about asking to look at Data's parts, then Doc gets all awkward about asking to look at Data's parts and I got all awkward about wanting to punch the writer in the face on general principle. 

Cut to (at last) the Briefing room where Picard is assuring Riker that bringing Spare Data Parts on board is a good idea. 

Not that he'd ever express it that way, of course... just pointing out how ridiculously unnecessary that comment was, but the writers needed an 'ongoing conversation' for Data to walk in on, I guess, and that was it.  

Now it's Riker's turn to play bashful, asking about Lore's Parts. Seriously? These fucking guys.

Now LaForge takes his turn, but at least he is asking about turning Lore on... hmm... no, that's not really better, is it?

Picard at last has had enough of the bashful date routine.  No, this is funny. First, he assumes (asserts?) that Data feels awkward about Lore, which is unfounded as far as the Audience is concerned, then he points out that everyone else's awkwardness is illogical (HEE!!! That's been MY point!!!), effectively lamp shading the terrible writing that went into the preceding four or five lines of dialog. 

Unfortunately the next few lines are mostly padding. Stupid, pointless questions... at least as far as Plot is concerned, about why Data looks human and isn't clumsy and how he can make Picard feel small in the pants by pointing out how awesome being a robot is.  

Then Riker pushes the Plot Train by handing over one of the child drawings from the Room of Plot Singularity.  

Now Doc calls on the Intercom from the Lab, stating that they need Data. Intercom, what do you know? It works!

Also: Poor people management on behalf of Star Fleet here. Data just left the lab to spend a bare minute in the briefing room before being called back to the lab. Not just Star Fleet, but whomever storyboarded this episode out. The show production team (editor, director, writer... whomever) failed here, as they literally yo-yo a character between scenes. 

Some extra gives a bit of technobabble (electromagnetic-synthomometer? Whatever that is supposed to be it apparently provides binary output in positive or negative terms) as the camera pans to Data and Doc standing as only people on TV do, six inches from one another to hold a conversation.  In this case it is for a modestly appropriate reason, as Data is inviting Doc to put her hands on him, specifically showing her his Off Switch (which appears to be around the Kidneys, and based on the depths to which her fingers sink into his uniform, is not exactly well hidden. Seriously, he has a three inch long, two inch deep trench in his back as an off switch...)

Also: Doc is a bitch to robots. 

While exploring Data's off switch she comments about "small projections", which Data calls an "Android Alarm Clock", asking if its amusing. She gives bitch-face and shakes her head no.

Honestly? Its not belly laugh funny or anything, but it is the sort of modestly witty idea that ordinary people do all the time. Saying no right there probably set Data's exploration of 'humor' back two or three years.  

Luckily Argyle comes over to mangle some dialog before she can do any more damage to his understanding of the human condition. Data assures the fucking engineer that, while he is off, he will experience nothing. Well, I'm glad Argyle needed to know that. I am reassured that the Engine Room is in the very best of hands. 

Anyway: Doc promises to not tell anyone about Data's off switch, which wasn't really set up in the scene as shown, and Data's line seems oddly misplaced after, despite being one of the few bits of Dialog in the entire episode that actually seems to be sensible. Data asks Doc if she had an off switch wouldn't she want it to be a secret? Good line, but it belongs BEFORE she promises to keep it a secret.  Doc allows that she probably would. 

Cut to Doc doing 'surgery' on Lore (or data? They are both laid out the same) while Argyle supervises and... teaches Doc surgical engineering? I dunno, this entire scene is set up weird. Doc is doing the work because she is the named character, but Data is a robot. I guess this is the same as Bones disarming a bomb in the latest movie.  

Picard and Riker walk in with huge smiles for some reason, after the Surgery-Engineering session.  Argyle has to earn his pay by continuing to deliver dialog, so Data and Doc can sit by silently in a reaction shot. Important point: no sign of consciousness from Lore yet. 

Picard asks which was made first, and this naturally causes Lore to 'wake up' to answer 'he was'.  God, I am sick of this sort of trope. Nothing important happens unless it can be framed by a highly paid actor asking a rhetorical question?  I can't quite explain it, not quickly but it still peeves me. 

Lore continues on to talk about how Data was imperfect, which... actually, that mirrors the bit where Data put Picard on the spot earlier by revealing how cool being a Robot was.  Not that Data can be put on the spot, of course.  This triggers Lore's first twitch, which looks more like a moderate to severe Tourette's spasm, followed by a sort of smug-smarmy look which is meant for the Audience, because no one on TV ever notices bad guys looking bad before they've actually DONE bad. Lore then introduces himself. 

As an aside, as a boy I just took his name as 'Lor', no "-e", and thus a mere, simple name.  Embarrassing, no?  How I missed the clear them in robot names I will never know, but it was probably a good decade before I corrected that bit of error. 

Cut to Picard and Data in the Captain's office, where Picard is troubled by Lore's description of data, but he calls Lore 'It' for no good reason, and Data calls him on it. It never explains WHY Picard used "it" of course.  Seriously, though? Picard is a racist to Robots. When he apologizes to Data is has that distinct condescending air of a man who is doing the pro-forma thing to avoid an argument then a heartfelt belief that he just insulted Data.  So, Picard secretly thinks of Data as an It, but is too polite to say it to his face usually.  Now, in this case A Debate on the matter could be held, of course... but won't.  In Star Trek, Picard's attitude is wrong, evil and un-evolved... but he still has it, clearly. 

Anyway, Picard goes on once poor, naive Data bought his totally bogus apology by then challenging Data's loyalty to Starfleet. 

No, seriously... his rationale is as follows: Since Data and Lore are equally cool Robots, instead of Data being the only Robot, Data may now decide to betray StarFleet/Picard in favor of Lore.

Which... racist we much?

Robots have in-group preference? Who knew? Obviously, Picard.

When Picard gets his reassurance from Data he ends with "I was certain of that." which: Why ask then, asshole?

On the Bridge, Lore is at the helm in 'Civilian attire', which is literally the only difference between him and Data, visually. LaForge and Space Jesus are explaining space navigation in simple terms. Aside from assuming cool Space Robots would not understand basic Geometry, I have no problem with the explanation. 

Then Riker jumps in with half the Pythagorian Theorum, and Lore begins to repeat the answer, until I guess he remembers he's supposed to be a babe in arms and trails off with some lame 'and... something, something I can't remember.", clearly lying.  How clearly? In the next scene DATA of all people calls him on it. 

So, on that note, lets revisit Lore's introduction where he claimed to be the newer, improved model over Data. Now, in hindsight he was clearly lying for... reasons?  But on the face of it that assertion cannot stand any scrutiny.  If Data was the original model and had no memories, how did Lore, built later and just activated for presumably the first time, know anything about Data and why he (lore) was built?  Just making that assertion reveals that he knows things that Data didn't know when he was awakened and should lead to a massive amount of questions.  It is clearly not impossible to theorize how the original model (data, in this hypothetical) would not have knowledge of his replacement, while the replacement (lore, again only hypothetical) would.  Data, never being activated due to his flaws was not programmed with knowledge, and Lore, possibly also never being activated was programmed with more complete memories, including the memories of his predecessor.  Hypothetically. 

But with that reveals, hypothetical or lie, it leads to questions that Lore (being a liar) doesn't actually have answers for, not ones he can reveal.  

Anyway: Data throws Lore off the bridge because of 'captain's approval', despite his own superior officer (Riker) being right there, clearly approving.  Star Trek fails to understand chain of command, again. 

Lore attempts to ingratiate himself to Space Jesus, clearly grasping that SJ is the smartest person on the ship. 

Again, I'm not going to fisk every single line. God knows these damn things are long enough, but the Dialog is chunky enough, and loaded with enough stupid to deserve it. 

In the Turbolift and Hall, right after the Bridge, Data reveals to Lore that his deception is transparent, and that Riker tricked him. Lore says he'll do better, as Data chides him for being overconfident. Why Data chose not to call him out on the bridge is unclear. Maybe the writers intended for the Audience to question Data's loyalty somehow?  If so, this scene fails to create that belief, as Data clearly is not on Lore's side here. 

Aside from that? The Dialog here is as bad as anywhere. Its almost ragged with disconnection between responses. Not to the point of nonsequitor, but rather to the point where only seriously irrational people could claim that the relations between each line were rational. 

Once in Data's quarters, Data does the Robot thing and just starts looking shit up, ignoring social niceties. A good touch, given the characters. This leads to Lore asking him what he's doing, so its also a good excuse for dialog-exposition.  What is Data looking up? Dr Soong.  This leads to Lore going on about 'Often Wrong Soong', which seems like it is meant to rhyme, but it doesn't, at all.  Its about as good as saying 'Often Wrong Picard'. Accurate or not, insulting or not, it just doesn't 'ring', and therefore doesn't really 'sting'. 

Most of this scene is standard issue redundant padding. We already know all about Dr Soong, from this very episode, but we have to have Brett Spiner repeat it to us in both characters with a bad sound mixer revealing that it was filmed twice.  Eventually they get to the Point, which is that Lore seems to assume that being an Awesome Robot entitles him to a Starfleet uniform just like Data's.

Me? I'm still waiting for Data to reveal to someone that Lore is lying through his (fake) teeth. 

Lore goes on and on about his ambition to have the memories of... everyone, ever... or something before having another Tourette's Spasm (His third so far).  How this relates to his plot (spoiler!) to have the Crystalline Entity eat people is unclear.  Also, given the limited utility of the 411 memories that they already have, I fail to see how expanding that failure by orders of magnitude would make either of them any smarter versus just reading everything in the Ship's Library, which clearly works for them when they bother to try. 

Clearly, Data also knows Lore lied about being made second at this point. This allows Lore to Monologue a bit, or rather allows the episode to revel in Brett Spiner acting against his own evil twin for five minutes.  Really this scene is mostly all about revealing how Lore is Not-Data and not much else. Terribly indulgent, really.  Also, clearly Lore is somewhat off his rocker, since he breaks into the 'tomato, to-ma-toe' song at the end.  The scene continues its rather disjointed ramble, as Data reveals he will report the conversation, and Lore says he'll make a full report on the colony between bouts of researching his evil plan. 

I suppose I should point out the subtle use of "Brother" throughout the scene. In the last exchange between the two, Data drops it in favor of "Lore", which indicates an awareness that Lore is not his friend, I suppose. 

When Data leaves, the Cue Music of Doom plays.

Captain's Log:

Normally I skip these, however:  Using the Child's Drawing and Lore's Description they make a better picture of the Crystaline Entity (properly Named for the first time). Really?  that sounds... really... yeah.  Because five year olds with Crayons are known, galaxy wide, for their amazingly proficient, technically accurate draftsmanship of vast and terrible alien entities.  Next Episode a child's drawing of stars in the sky will lead the Enterprise to the Lost City of Atlantis!

Anyway: Cue everyone staring at a render of the Entity on their little holo-screen with concern-face.

Voiceover continues: The Entity feeds on 'Life Energy', which is pseudo-science at best, not even technobabble. And may I also point out that it is Galacticus?   

Anyway: Naturally they hand Yar the stupid question of the Episode, as in why this life eater didn't eat Data or Lore. If this was science fiction then the answer would have been a slap on the back of the head and a reminder that they are Robots, and thus not alive by any technical, rational sense, no matter the legal or ethical case.  Instead, since Android apparently means 'alien life form', we have to learn that they both used loopholes, Lore by being disassembled and Data because he wasn't born yet. 

Oh... it burns, the stupid does.  

Riker, for some reason, fails to believe in the Crystaline Entity.  That strikes me as odd, given the canon existence of the various energy beings and godlings wandering through Federation Space. Hell, he can believe in Q but not a giant crystal space vampire? 

Yar loudly tells Data that Lore went and got some stuff from a replicator store, or something.  Worf kindly expands (because he hasn't gotten dialog this episode yet), that it was micro tools and 'fine grind quadritanium', so we're back to Technobabble. Lemme parse this one.  Titanium is a element found on the periodic table, so its real stuff. Its used in only a few cool, high tech applications like spy planes, so it sounds pretty sciencey. With a little imagination or a bad speller you can sort of get Tritanium out of its name, which also sounds like Tritium, which is really just Helium-3, but really seems sciencey because it glows in the dark and shit!  But, since we've gone four centuries into the future, mere 'Tritanium' isn't cool enough, but luckily someone knows their greek prefixes so they make it Four-tanium, instead of Three-tanium and thus, technobabble was born from some jackass not knowing the right name for a real world metal. 

Data dismisses this as unimportant trivia. 

Doc questions Data playing the Orwellian Big Brother instead of the familial Big Brother (and I note that had she made that literary allusion as I just did, I'd have more respect for the writer....), but Picard points out that Data is just doing what Picard wants him to do. 

So, now it's Yar's turn to question Data's trustworthiness in what has to be one of the most awkward scenes not involving questions about Data's Parts, at least in this episode. 

Its not Crosby's delivery, which is actually low key and subdued for her, and thus appropriately professional for a security officer for once.  The dialog is a bit forced, but its Picard's response that really kills the scene (beyond the idiocy of the baseless, and now repeated, accusation). Picard answers that he trusts Data absolutely, so fair cop to that, but THEN goes on to loudly draw attention to the question so he can point out it is completely legitimate. Sigh.

Mind you, first he looks around so to ensure that he has everyone's attention on him and Yar. So... he set her up to bring out his racist attitude towards Robots, while making it look like he's just responding as the enlightened modern man he is?  Holy shit, I didn't realize this was going to become a Thing with this episode. Now I'm going to have to keep an eye out for future signs of Picard's anti-robot racism!  

Yar, of course, is just happy to be validated by Papa Picard again.  She doesn't even realize she was just used by the Captain to publicly demonstrate his not-racist-racism with plausible deniability. Poor dumb Yar, so out of her depths. 

Cut to Lore pouring Champaign for he and Data.  It was just an episode or two ago, in Hide and Q that we saw that Data doesn't drink.  His reaction to Q's lemonade was bafflement and awkwardly attempting to dispose of the glass without being obvious about it (which, of course, was painfully obvious, as it usually is...). 

So even Lore's excuse that this is a human ritual won't change the fact that Data has undoubtedly sound structural reasons not to shove food and drink down his robot face.  And, of course, the drink is poisoned... possibly with that Quadritanium from the previous scene. Because, again, Android apparently means "alien" to the writers.  

And it apparently works very quickly and effectively as a Mickey, whammying Data in about half of a sentence from a tiny sip. Sigh. 

May I point out, for the record, that in this very episode it was revealed that Data has an Off Switch, and that Lore's physical structure is identical to Data's and thus LORE has an Offswitch in the same place, meaning...sigh... Lore can turn Data off without drugging him. 

Lore monologues while Data spasms and collapses, revealing, at last, the Plot Danger, once Data is out on the floor. Lore is buddies with Galacticus! Oh Noes!  He fed the entity the Colonists! At last, we have an answer to the missing people... and at last I can discuss just how idiotic this episode is!

So: Soong makes Lore. Entity arrives at world and Colonists build massive hidden complex underground to hide from it while it presumably strip mines their world of life energy. I'll avoid going into the ret-conns from the next CE episode just yet. Lore learns to talk to the Entity, Soong disables Lore. Entity does nothing while Soong builds Data and places him outside the front, freaking, door of the hidden complex.  Tripoli arrives and finds Data, but doesn't find colonists or Crystaline Entity.  Tripoli Leaves with Data and reports colonists missing but, hey, Cool Robot.  Entity finishes killing world, then kills colonists and takes their corpses.

Does that timeline make any sense? I submit to you that it does not. However, since the CE clearly strips worlds of life, not just energy but the bodies that houses it (The Colonists, and yes, the later CE episode which clearly shows the process, never mind the bad set dressing with trees and grass from earlier), it clearly could not have fed on the world BEFORE the Tripoli arrived because 'Farmland'.   Clearly the Colonists were morons, as they had to be alive when the Tripoli arrived, and thus could have escaped the threat entirely instead of hoping their underground bunker complex worked.  And clearly the crew of the Tripoli are the worst explorers in Starfleet (and that's saying something) because they somehow missed the entrance to the quickly made bunker AND the giant crystal entity that was threatening everything.  

So, the Timeline of the backstory contains at least three contradictory elements and requires several unbelievable conclusions to stand. Moving things around only makes the entire timeline worse, breaking two things to fix one. 

Anyway: Cut to bridge, with Worf Showing Riker 'strange subspace communications' coming from Data's quarters. Riker sends Space Jesus to check up on My Favorite Robot, while some nameless dude gets a full second of screen time to grin at how eager Space Jesus is to please.  Way to cash that check, nameless dude!

Cut to Lore as Data talking to the CE to explain his palate swap. Then Twitch (four). Then Space Jesus, who immediately notes 'Lore' unconscious on the floor.  'Data' does a moderate to poor Data impersonation, which is either odd or brilliant depending on your generosity. I'm leaning to Odd myself, before he does Twitch (five) so Space Jesus can catch on to the swap. Space Jesus clearly doesn't buy 'Data', but for some reason reminds him to not use contradictions because that would REALLY reveal which was which.

Lolwut? 

To be clear: Lore, pretending to be Data, only fails to fool Space Jesus because of his facial tick. Space Jesus, realizing the powerful and obviously dangerous Robot is not his friend tells Lore how to do a better job impersonating Data? 

Because Space Jesus loves playing pranks on people I guess. 

After Space Jesus leaves, Lore uses a blue flashlight to create a facial tic in Data, which I guess I sort of buy, but then he uses the same flashlight to 'erase' his own tic. Sure, I get that the tic is a problem for impersonations, but.. if it was a purely mechanical problem wouldn't he have fixed it as soon as he could rather than waiting until he needed to pretend to be Data for a few hours?  And it, like many tics in real people, it was psychosomatic, a result (as it appears) of a problem with a computer that produces false output (lies) on a constant basis, then would not the blue light do nothing?  

Doc is just hanging out on the bridge, as she do... no, wait, she don't, so times like this stand out as 'out of place', when she approaches Space Jesus to ask about Data turning Lore off.  This makes her mildly suspicious because of 'secret off switch'. Its a stretch. Lore didn't say HOW he turned Data off, as Space Jesus can only vaguely answer.  Enter 'Data', and Doc publicly confronts him over the secret switch. 

Lore is, of course, a terrible liar. He claims its merely a change of heart, because obviously he can trust the bridge crew.

Really? Instead of saying, "Necessity, as 'lore' was getting violent.' or 'I didn't tell Space Jesus where the switch is." Or, my favorite "Thank you for loudly announcing its existence to everyone, simply because I admitted to its existence to Space Jesus, in private, to answer his valid question about how I had disabled 'lore'."... any one of which would have been far more passable lies than 'I changed my mind from yesterday about this secret I've kept for twenty years. No big.', and all three have the virtue of only using information Lore has. 

Cue LaForge talking about boogie on a five o'clock tangent, or a mad-libs mashup of Science-stuff with Tora!Tora!Tora!?  It's  the Crystal Entity is catching up to the Enterprise (in warp!). Yes, because a predator whose natural prey is planets must naturally be capable of faster than light travel... and FTL superior to the maximum warp of a Starship by at least an order of magnitude. 

'Data' continues to be terrible at impersonations, calling it 'beautiful' with reverence. 

Cut to: No longer chasing, the Enterprise and the CE face off in the depths of space.  Yar seems Shocked!, Shocked! that a giant floating space monster doesn't answer the radio.  

Cue LaForge walking back onto the Bridge. Clearly he was sent away by Picard to VISOR the shit out of a window. Again. 

Seriously? We're gonna play this dance again?  Ship sensors, with antennas and dishes and shit measured in full meters, powered by a massive matter-antimatter annulation power plant that, if containment is lost, could destroy the entire ship vs... a cute little headband worn on a man's face and powered by... bioelectric energy or really, really tiny batteries.

Yeah, the VISOR is totally more capable than the ship's sensors. Uh huh.  By the way, let me tell you about this great summer vacation home I have in the antarctic? You'd never guess how warm and sunny it can get down there.

That LaForge still has to go look out a window is so patently insulting to my intelligence that I'm going to ignore his technobabble as the frosting on a cake made of shit.  At that point, what does it matter what the frosting tastes like?

So, Picard asks 'Data' if he can safely question Lore.  This triggers Space Jesus to, at last, reveal that he suspects 'Data' is really Lore in drag. 

OF COURSE no one believes him. Not Picard or Yar, who both mistrust Data (as Data) loyalty because, Robot. Not Doc, who openly questioned Data's sudden change of heart about secret off switches... no one.  Frankly there is so much stupid packed into this scene that not even the infamous "Shut Up, Wesley!", in stereo no less, can redeem it. 

But I'm a bit ahead of myself. Space Jesus doesn't come out and SAY that Data might be Lore in drag (because that would make sense), he just goes on and on about not trusting Data until he gets called on his bullshit. Riker goes with SJ and 'Data' to talk to Lore.  Lore grabs Data's body and shoves his fingers into the off switch for some reason, which... for some reason, causes Data to shake spastically in his arms. 'Data' says some absolute nonsense about how 'lore' senses SJ and is trying to attack... which does not fit the action on screen in any way, shape or form, and Riker buys it. 

The highlight is after Riker leaves with Space Jesus and Lore asks the still unconscious Data "And you want to be as stupid as them?"

Which, given the writing is pretty fucking stupid all right.  Never mind that Data isn't trying to emulate human mental capacity but emotional capacity it is still a damning charge here.  

Anyway, Lore kicks Data in the head a few time for Reasons. 

Back on the Bridge, Riker describes... Lore's description of the scene, rather than what he just saw with his own eyes.  At last Space Jesus points out that it could be a palate swap, which he really should have done earlier. Picard is upset that Space Jesus interrupted Riker, paying absolutely NO mind to what SJ actually said.  Which: Picard, stupid. So he gets a pass, its everyone else's unthinking idiocy that drives me nuts here.

Perhaps realizing that Picard's ranting makes him fundamentally unlikable, even when its directed at Space Jesus, the Writers cut him off by having the Crystalline Entity make a move.  Its all dramatic and shit when it fails to damage their shields, honest. 

Picard reaches for the only weapon he has in his arsenal, which is a warship full of powerful space guns and prepares to introduce the Crystaline Entity to the diffence between biology and technology, the hard way. Cue Lore returning to the bridge as Data. Clearly, not having thought this plan through very well, he suddenly realizes that the Enterprise could clearly destroy the Entity quite handily, so he makes the bold offer to speak with the Entity.  No one really thinks this is odd, no matter how badly the dialog sounds.

They aren't even suspicious when 'Data' doesn't recognize Picard's oft repeated "Make It So", despite the fact that this is a fairly easy to parse phrase in and of itself.  'Data' plans to beam a tree into space and blast it with phasers to demonstrate the threat was real.

Which...what?  This thing is a giant space predator that eats planets, clearly there is not much call to negotiate a peaceful accord with it, really? Just blast it and warn the next colony to keep an eye out for more of them.  

After 'Data' leaves to enact his plan, Space Jesus steps up again. Naturally he leads with the smarmy obsequiousness we've come to known and loathe from him, thus earning the infamous 'SUW' from Picard.  Fun but utterly concealing the fact that Picard is turning a willfully blind eye to a threat that is very closely related to the very one he spent half the episode worrying about openly. 

Space Jesus sits down without another word, so HE is still missing the point. Doc leaps to her son's defense, which cues SJ to turn back around for another try, so getting another SUW from Doc this time.  This time, since it was just mom, he continues on to point out, very reasonably, that he's being dismissed only because of his age.  Which is true, though there does tend to be a good reason to dismiss the words of youth and inexperience.  Doc gives an eye roll, but Picard actually seems hurt by the accusation, not that he backs down, you know. He puts it aside to let Space Jesus dismiss himself, then banishes Doc as well... Doc calls him on it, but he points out that he's letting her watch her son during "all of this", which.... fails to mollify her for some reason. 

Meanwhile Lore totally Worf's Worf in the turbo lift. So much for security and klingon warrior 'tude. 

Lore doesn't just beat Worf, he utterly humiliates him while mocking him.  Lore is a dick to Klingons. 

In Data's quarters, Space Jesus and Doc confront the unconscious Data, with his blink lights exposed where he was kicked in the head.  Space Jesus challenges Doc, saying she "knows how to turn him on"... which, heeee.  Seriously, her reply is 'This is serious.' meaning she heard what I heard too.  So Space Jesus totally made an inappropriately sexual joke about his own mother to her face, and it happens often enough that she reflexively dismisses it? 

Its a bit weird that Doc went from suspicious of 'Data' to disbelieving her own son to turning on the Robot she thinks is Lore because Space Jesus asked her too, isn't it?  Yeah, pretty much everyone is like that this episode.

While Data pushes his forehead closed I can't help but think Spiner was starting to get a little confused which character was impersonating whom, he was playing.  Its like he's not entirely sure if he is Data in Lore Clothing, or Lore, pretending to be Data, in Lore Clothing. 

Cut to Cargo Bay, where Lore is wasting time explaining the plan to the Crystal Entity out loud. We hear the replies, which are meaningless sound effects, and those plucky kids show up to stop him, with their dog too... okay, no dog.

Data makes an only child joke.  Lore replies with Hannibal Lecter commentary about Space Jesus. Doc pulls a phaser, which only arms Lore.  I'll note that this is the big phaser, not the little key-fob phasers we've been seeing in the series so far.   Naturally, she has to make mama-bear comments.  Because, you know, its not like Lore isn't trying to kill everyone on the ship for... reasons. 

I note: Her specific threat is 'One more step towards my son', and Space Jesus, her son, steps behind Data.  Lore steps towards DATA to grab him and toss him at Doc to disarm doc...

So, if she was serious about her threat she should have shot him.  Of course, given that phasers on stun do work on Data (based on the utility of Ferengi shock-whips earlier), why she didn't stun the incredibly dangerous ROBOT the moment she stepped up instead of making hollow threats, the world will never know. Or, you know, Plot.  So Lore has the phaser and uses it to make incredibly cruel threats towards Space Jesus. What a cock tease. 

Instead, after convincing her to run away, he shoots her. This... lights her sleeve on fire. 

Three seasons of Original Star Trek, Four movies by this point, plus a dozen episodes of this season and they forgot what phasers do?  It... lit her sleeve on fire.  Is this a special issue, doctors only phaser with uniquely useless settings like 'singe'? 

Also: Lore waves that damn thing around in the most ridiculous way possible. I refuse to dignify it with a description, you'll have to just watch as he points it at almost every single thing in the room over the course of about half a second. 

It is the act of shooting Doc that gives Data the chance to act. Not, you know, anything like pointing the phaser at the floor or anything... no, not that.  Gotta be after he shoots. Tension or something, gotta be. 

So the two robots have a fairly hollywood stupid fight, but it does include tossing empty barrels at each other, so that's fun. But it doesn't last long.  Data loudly announces 'the Transporter' for Space Jesus's sake, and then Lore attacks him, letting him throw Lore into the cargo bay transporter. Oh noes, that happens to be where the Phaser is! And Lore is sort of an action hero, with combat roles and coming to his feet shooting and all that, but he's already being transported out. 

So... what kept data from just picking up the Phaser, on the transporter pad, three feet behind him while Lore was flailing around in the barrels? And why would Lore put himself into a position to be thrown onto the transporter pad right after hearing Data announce his intent?  Sigh. 

Anyway: Security runs in, phasers ready.

No, actually... its just Yar. And who is backing her up? WHy... Riker and Picard.

Really? Picard is down in the cargo bay with the murderous robot, backing his own first officer? This is the SAME Picard who isn't allowed to go down to lifeless planets where people find cool robots all the damn time?  Really? Who is flying the damn ship?  I hope she's wearing a skirt still... oh... uh... I mean commanding, yeah. Who is commanding the damn ship? 

Doc, totally uninjured but missing her Doc Coat rushes up to hug Space Jesus.  Picard immediately... and I do mean Immediately, orders her to sick bay. Because she clearly was killed by phaser just a moment ago. You can see the pain in her eyes, matching exactly the burn mark on her Onesie.  What? You don't see any pain in her eyes? That's odd, as I don't see a burn mark on her Onesie either.  I wonder what that could mean?

Okay, I exaggerate. She clearly burst the seam on her sleeve. Not a burn mark, but not, precisely, undamaged. 

Having ordered the doc to sick bay (Heal thyself. He should have said it. It would have been the second least stupid thing said in the episode... low bar and all that), he sort of vaguely questions Data, not at all suspicious, again, then orders him away... specifically to fix the tic and to put on a proper uniform. 

Now that he's eliminated the witnesses he can admit he was wrong about Space Jesus. Again.

Ok, he never actually does that. He just orders Space Jesus back to the bridge. 

There is some closing dialog with Riker that fills the quota of fluff feel good nonsense, but also mentions the Computer Refit that undoubtedly refers to the previous episode and the Holodeck, but in context of this viewing order isn't wrong. I'd want a refit after that debacle too. 



So.


Season one, lots of lore building going on, so people think highly of it. Its a Data episode, so people think highly of it.  Spiner is fun to watch, though I found it didn't hold up to repeat viewings. Also "Shut Up Wesley!"

Beyond that? 

It is a horrible episode, among the worst in the writing department so far.  Most of the dialog is nonsense, disjointed and damn near incomprehensible.  Only the villain monologues have any consistency. 

Even moving beyond the dialog, the characters can't hold any constancy. Their views are all over the map, swinging wildly through the acts like their actions are decided by coin flips.  Themes are introduced in one scene and put away in the next.  

Then there is the... plot.  

The Plot is 'Data has an Evil Twin', end Plot.

However, the writers needed something more. So, we got 'Lore is better than Data' which became "Lore is a Dirty Liar", which Became "Lore wants to absorb all the memories of all of humanity and wants Data to do it with him." Which became "Feed the Enterprise to Crystal entity for... reasons."

I suppose we could call it evolution of motive or something, though that is a stretch and a half. At least its better than the convoluted knot of the colony history we are presented with.  

This is 'no brainer' television at its worst.  Even Spiner's mugging loses its appeal once you start critically thinking about the episode, so every single aspect of it relies on the audience not actually paying attention to it.  Sadly, this is the foundation upon which much of the House of Data was built, and cannot easily be ignored.  

I think the lesson learned by the writers for later episodes was that, while an episode about Data always does well, leaving it to Spiner to carry the whole show is just not going to work.  Its no mistake that one of the early standout 'Data Episodes', in Season Two, actually fell to Picard/Stewart to carry the heft, letting Spiner stick to doing Data with the cool expertise he usually brings. 

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Bad Habits, or the 47 Ronin Real Time Review


So... apparently the process of Real Time Reviewing Star Trek has made it nearly impossible for me to watch anything new (or once forgotten) without similarly parsing it... and since it is no fun to parse something without an Audience, you get a new Real Time Review... 

Of 47 Ronin.

I am quite familiar with the history of Japan, including the original tale of the 47 Ronin. Its a good story if somewhat alien to our Western Sensibilities, both highly entertaining and illuminating into an entirely different culture. This may color my review somewhat, but this movie is not, I understand, related to the traditional Japanese tale, at all...

So there is some narration, and a really crappy CGI dragon that does nothing. Then a white kid runs through some bamboo.  For some reason the Tengu are equated with the unnamed Oni, that is generic demons, but are listed as Demons of the Forest. I won't claim absolute expertise but I thought Tengu were more associated with Mountains?  Also... Demons seems a bit of a loose translation.

Anyway: White kid falls into a tiny stream and we can see the "mark of the demon' on him, in the form of some nasty, but natural looking, scars across his scalp. Random Japanese kid goes to drown him, on account of the scars? But white kid pulls the japanese kid's sword before fainting... so pointless?

Old Japanese Samurai tells Japanese kid not to stab white kid.  Maybe the Mark of the Demon is being white? Sure.

Anyway, the old guy is Lord Asano (thank you narrator), and I think his Kimono is Fabulous!  No, seriously... red isn't really my color, and I'm not keen on robes, but I Want. 

So Asano adopts/rescues the white boy, and as the Narrator talks we see him, ten years older but still dressed in rags and still shave headed, still recovering from sleeping in the stream, but on tatami mats. I'm confused. If he is older, why has nothing else changed?

Maybe he isn't older?  The lighting change is throwing me off, but there seems to be a forbidden love subplot brewing with Asano's daughter, Mika.

Ok, now time is passing. Apparently everyone but Asano thinks being white is terrible or something, according to the Narrator. Meanwhile, he's grown long greasy hair. 

Now he's got long greasy hair and bearded Keanu Reeve's face. Also, I guess his name is Kai and he is all about tracking stuff in the woods, so there is that.  An older guy, but not Asano Age, who is also Shingen from The Wolverine, totally asks him his tracker advice, then appears to ignore it. I might have thought he was the japanese kid from earlier, but I think its the younger samurai in the bullet hat next to him. 

So, either samurai have special hunting armor, this is set around the time of the Mongol invasion/Ainu Wars, or this is a purely fantasy world with real world terms, because their outfits are not quite familiar.  Flashes of Mononoke as some sort of demon boar thing charges the samurai. The old Asano is knocked from his horse and totally tells Shingen to stop coddling him and go kill the damn thing. So I like Asano. Meanwhile a bad CGI white fox looks on.  Fox? Kitsune? Hmm...

Oh, look: it has one blue eye.  If it means something important its too arcane for me, but it totally looks suspect. 

So Keanu runs up to a galloping horse and jumps on its back to keep up with the hunters. I guess the monster is more like some sort of giant (elephant sized?) horned lion-unicorn thing with a whip tail.  Alrighty then.  Some of the hunters apparently want to sword it to death, which seems suspect, but then again there is precedent of a sort.  

Ok, so some of the hunters seem to be wearing more traditional armor.  Now I want to see if they are using Tachi instead of Katana for swords, which were more traditional cavalry swords, but I'm not going to strain myself looking for clues here.

So, young Samurai (the stream kid?) runs after the beast solo and tries to hamstring it with a sword (seriously? The swords all look straight, so more ninjato than katana. However that would vaguely support my theory about the era this may be meant to be in, as at least one source suggests the curved samurai sword developed after the failure of the Samurai against the Mongols, due to differences in traditional armor technique between the two groups. ). I was going to let the fight go, but... the thing has six eyes! 

Also, climactic scene!  Young Samurai is unhorsed and gonna be trampled, but Keanu has caught up to him. He faces off with the beast, seeing the sword on the ground in the ferns between them because, of course. So he runs forward, against the clock, to grab the sword and uses it to gut the beast as it charges him. Because he is heroic and shit. 

Anyway, he presents the sword to Young Samurai who says some bullshit about having rather been killed by the beast than saved by a half breed. 

Of course, he's a damn liar, since he dodged out of the way when it charged him and Keanu did his sword thing. He could have just sat there and got trampled. Also... halfbreed what?  Yes, in real life Keanu is some sort of mongrel halfbreed, but this is old school Japan. What do they think he is half-breed with? Ainu? Sure, that's legit. Portuguese Missionaries? Also legit but suggests a time period. We don't have context here, people! half Tengu? Actually... that would be Boss, even in Racist Japan. 

So, Asano and company ride up and praise Young Samurai for his awesome kill, which he accepts, and Shingen slices off a chunk of horn as some sort of trophy, but before walking off he sees Keanu has bloody hands, so he knows the truth.  Honestly though? I'm pretty sure the official line in old school Japan was that this is legit.  Keanu is clearly a low class servant, and embarrassing everyone by making a case about the truth would be rude.  Keanu's silence is honorable here. We'll see how it plays out.

So at some snowy mountain keep some dude is walking. The text on screen helpfully points out that he's the lord of the rival province.  Team jerseys are grey vs red I guess?

He orders everyone out of a big room of uncertain purpose, and the fox shows up and turns into... a person? Camera angle is unclear here, we mostly see gold cloth robes upside-down.  But yes, a woman with one blue eye walks into the room with Lord Kira.  Their brief dialog suggests Kira is responsible for the weird monster. 

Cut too a red castle/mansion compound where some guy who could pass for the japanese kid from the first scene reports to Mika that the hunting party is returning.  I love the pageantry in all this, the banners, the cherry blossoms. There is no stinting on setting the scene here.  Asano clearly knows Mika is looking for Keanu, but he plays it off. 

I'm unclear here, since we montaged past a bunch. I am aware that old feudal Japan totally allowed  adult adoptions and such, and the Japanese have, to my knowledge, pretty sensible attitudes towards adopted siblings and relationships, so Asano could have totally legitimized this by making Keanu a son, but instead he just put him into some sort of flunky post instead, while letting him hang out with his daughter all the time.  

Shingen goes to see his wife while two dudes practice sword fighting nearby. I gather that Young Samurai is Shingen's son and may be one of the two dudes?  Someone (YS, probably) wants Shingen's approval but isn't getting it because, well, Shingen. Dude tries to murder his own daughter, for god's sake!

Then its shirtless Keanu by a fire.  I don't think he's meant to be sexy here, so if that's your thing don't get your hopes up for this scene.  Nothing happens at all, because we cut to a new scene involving women instead, and then to a rainy forest at night.  I don't know what any of that means.

Oh, too soon.  Mika walking through the rainy forest is going to see shirtless Keanu by his fire. Well then.  She's there to play Florence Nightengale for some frippery of a scrape on his shoulder that went unremarked until this scene. 

So, Mika knows Keanu killed the beast and totally acts all un-traditional about social places, Keanu does the honorable thing and politely points out that she shouldn't be hanging out in his cabin in the woods and she pulls the chick card... 

... you know? From what I understand, in old school Japan there were no real romantic stories. Things like Romeo and Juliet, sure... where everyone dies and people gather that falling in love is bad juju.  So, Mika's behavior here is human, but... you know... bad. In context. 

And Keanu totally trumps her on her bullshit chick card check.  Hah.   

So she leaves. 

And the Shogun arrives at Red Castle. I guess his symbol is an Eagle?  He's got banners with singular birds on them. Again, plenty of gorgeous, but night time, pageantry here.  So far I'm giving this movie super high marks on pageantry. Too many movies don't bother, or fake it badly. 

Holy shit!

The Shogun is Shang Tsung from Mortal Kombat!!! 

Anyway, while the Shogun gives his long winded speech off camera, Keanu lurks around, not invited to the ball, and totally spots the girl with one blue eye in the Asano party and remembers the white fox.  

He reports to Shingen, who I guess is ALSO not invited to the ball?

Keanu calls her a witch. Boo. Foxes that change into beautiful woman troublemakers have a proper name here. What is with this movie and its full throated commitment to scene and half throated commitment to myth?  Anyway, Shingen blows him off.

So... daylight, more pageantry as Lord Kira, whose team color is more a blue-purple thing than grey, shows up with his guys. 

So... everyone is showing up at Asano's crib for some tournament that was previously unmentioned? 

So... Lord Kira comes across as some sort of Japanese equivalent to a Bro?  Okay... that's a sort of clever characterization.  No, I mean he totally doesn't act bro-like, just how a bro might have acted in feudal Japan when everyone had three foot razorblades and a willingness to use them at the drop of a hat. 

So, everyone but Young Samurai watches some dudes dance, which must be the preliminaries for the tournament, and the White Fox approaches Young Samurai while he meditates in a tent. 

Some dude beats some drums... but he's wearing full armor so WTF? Then some giant Silver Samurai (no shit) steps out in the Blue Team colors.  Dude is seven feet tall and fully masked. 

Meanwhile, Young Samurai, who I believe was preparing to fight the Silver Samurai, has been poisoned... or as Keanu says, witch crafted. 

Oh, god. Plot Contrivance!  River Kid tells Keanu there is no time to get Asano, and that if Young Samurai doesn't fight they will be disgraced, because only a samurai can fight Silver Samurai. 

Because they are only in the Asano camp with literally dozens of samurai walking around, but no... Keanu (I'm guessing) has to put on the armor and go fight despite being literally the only non-samurai around.  Hell, the fucking drum guy is a red-team samurai, for god's sake!

So this is all some really weak plot to embarrass Asano in front of Shang Tsung, since Asano only has one Samurai?  Good thing Keanu put the armor on, then!   

I'm not sure the rules of this tournament, so from the looks of things its just a simple fight to the death. Good times.  

Anyway: Keanu shatters his sword against the arm of Silver Samurai and totally has his helmet backhanded right the fuck off of him. Oops, who saw that jig being up? I did, just not that fast, and also not involving steel swords shattering like glass.  Well, high marks for avoiding the usual routes of exposure. 

Still? No other samurai, not anywhere to be found?  

Anyway: I guess Shang Tsung is full up on Souls for the day, since he stops the fight before Silver Samurai can finish of Keanu.  Well... no, after looking at Keanu and declaring he is not a samurai he orders Silver Samurai to 'kill it', so he's been demoted to a thing. Mika, naturally, screams forward shouting no and throwing herself at Keanu.   Lord Asano takes the blame, because Japan, motherfucker!  

So Shang Tsung orders Keanu stripped and beaten, I guess deferring execution for a day when he is feeling peckish?

Asano hauls his now totally embarrassing daughter away while Shingen gets busy with the stripping and beating portion of the day's ritual.  Still, Keanu's unflinching sense of duty must have impressed the Red Samurai guys, cause they totally apologize for beating him down, while Mika continues her histrionics. Why Lord Kira looks so pleased with Keanu's beating is unclear, but maybe he's just enjoying how totally Asano was disgraced in front of Shang Tsung, which was his goal. 

Anyway: The Witch does some mixed-signal ritual with Lord Kira in his quarters, that seems to involve making his veins squirt blue ink that she catches like its a fish after more or less convincing him to go full dark side.  Why this is a good idea to Lord Kira is not made clear, but apparently he really hates the old dude something fierce. 

So, she turns the blue-ink-blood into a really fleshy spider, then we cut to Asano sleeping and she walks by outside his door. So... murder plot by blood spider? There is some unnecessary but showy business with her robe flying around the room until she is on the ceiling lowering the spider. It doesn't bite him so much as leave blue-ink-blood on his lips before turning to dust and blowing away... so needlessly complicated delivery system, check.

All this to make the old guy hallucinate Mika being raped (Safe For Work edition), to make it look like he tries to murder Lord Kira in his sleep.   

This leads to Shang Tsung ordering him to commit seppuku.  So... this is actually sort of an adaption from the original story then? I mean, the original 47 Ronin were avenging their lord who was forced to commit suicide in disgrace by bullshit political maneuvers in front of the Shogun.  Asano explains to Shingen that he's got to do it. 

Given how very Japanese everyone is acting, Mika is.... annoying as hell.  Even Keanu is selling the whole restrained culture thing, while Mika is wailing histrionics and whatnot in every freaking scene, this time on Asano's way to his execution, with Shingen acting as his second.  

Asano dies like a Boss, as the candles in Keanu's cabin blow out.  

So Shingen tells the Red Samurai that they can't fight without losing all of Ako, and then more awesome pageantry as they kneel before Shang Tsung, who totally gives Mika to Lord Kira. Ouch.

He gives her one year to mourn, but in Lord Kira's care, and tosses Shingen out as the titular 47 Ronin.  He makes some bullshit about healing the breech between their clans, but seeing how he's doing that by picking the official winner and kicking the loser around, I don't think it'll work.  So Shang Tsung fails at Politics. 

No, seriously: he's not healing any breech here, he's straight up giving the Ako lands, people and heir to their old enemy, and tossing the rest of the Ako clan to the winds. Yeah... they'll totally accept that. 

So Lord Kira's first order of business? Exiling the 47 under pain of ignoble death.  So, good job Shang Tsung!

His second order of business is mocking Mika's pain by showing her Keanu before hauling him off, so he's not eager to have a happy marriage, clearly. 

His third order of business... no, this is literally his first three acts as the new Lord of Ako... is to recinde the exile of Shingen by tossing him in a pit somewhere to 'break his will'. 

Cut to one year later and some dude is begin hauled out of a pit. I can't tell if its Shingen or Keanu. I mean, it looks sort of keanu like, but it is Shingen's pit... So I guess Mika is married now?

Ah. It is Shingen. They haul him to a village of poor people, in the rain, and the young dude that totally convinced keanu to wear the armor and fight Silver Samurai, for lack of other available Samurai, runs out and calls him 'father'.  I'm missing Young Samurai here, but maybe he was with the 47?

So... Shingen's wife?... exposits that the 47 are gone from Ako and Mika is not yet married, but soon. So, naturally Shingen asks about the halfbreed. 

His son says something that sounds like 'The Dutch Island', and clearly 'sold him into slavery', but that gives you an idea how desperate Shingen is here.   I'm not clear on the role of slavery in the Dutch efforts in Japan, but there you have it. 

Clearly, Shingen's will was not broken by the pit at all, as he demands three horses.  Gotta respect the dude's dedication to duty. 

Anyway, he tells his wife she has to officially and publicly divorce him to protect herself, and in this one scene offers about a million times more complexity of family vs duty than any episode of Star Trek I've seen, including the ones ostensibly dedicated to that exact theme. 

And she goes "Aw Hells Naw. I be a samurai wife. Your duty is mine, sucker!" which, balls, man.

Shingen sends his son with some symbolic dagger to meet 'them' and send 'them' to meet him at black lake, while he rides of to retrieve the half-breed. Clearly their conversation about the Ronin was in code.

So, the Dutch Island is made up of all boats and nothing but boats, which... cool.  These guys look more like pirates than merchants, but you saw the trailers I'm assuming. 

Anyway, they take him to Keanu, who is fighting an ogre in a big room. There is casual violation of physics, as at one point the ogre snaps a foot thick support timber by pulling through it with his chain like its made of balsa wood... no, even balsa wood has more structural integrity than this... like styrofoam, old rotten styrofoam. Yeah. Also: Ogres. 

So, after the fight, when Shingen approaches, somehow Keanu senses him and goes into 'berserk kill mode' or something.  Clearly he doesn't have much time for Shingen at the moment.  Luckily, just before getting his head cut off, Shingen says the magic word "Mika", which snaps him out of his murder-rage, but only a little bit. 

No... wait? 

Um... so the second part of Murder-Rage is really secret squirrel talk for 'lets pretend to fight so we can murder our way out of here'? Okay.

So, Shingen and Keanu still have issues to resolve as Shingen lays out the plan as they walk through a burned out forest or something.  Its sort of a pointless scene that is nevertheless well done. 

Cut to Kira's castle (Kastle?) where he is demonstrating that he is the bad guy but fighting two of his samurai at once, winning and then curb stomping them after he's won. 

Hey? Full Kuge makeup on a couple of the women in the background?  

Then some dude reports, right in front of Mika, that the half breed escaped the dutch island.  This leads to many, many questions because of plot contrivance, like why watch the dutch for so long, why report in front of the one person you know shouldn't be hearing this and so on...

The messenger is clearly terrified of Kira, but I guess he survives the scene.  Kira orders the witch to go find and kill Shingen, which again: You had everyone under your power for the last year, but now you want them dead? Clearly you don't suffer a guilty conscience so why wait until they've escaped?

This is the problem with making the bad guy too evil. It makes ordinary human plots a bit difficult to explain. 

Anyway, the 47 are happy to see Shingen, but Young Samurai is there and clearly not pleased to see Keanu.  Shingen gives the obligatory motivational speech about how they are all gonna die, but damn will it be awesome, while Keanu looks at his favorite Mika trinket. 

So, Shingen has a plan, and he directs the men appropriately.  I'll say this, the man's got some leadership chops.  Apparently they need the rest of the 47, since not all of them are here, and they need swords, since... yeah? No swords? Okay. 

Young Samurai makes his move against Keanu here, so I'm wondering if he is part of the 47 tally or will go traitor, but Shingen points out that punkign the half breed is pointless when they are just ronin, not Samurai at all.

Traditionally I believe the story calls them the 47 Samurai, not Ronin, because they were honored in death with their traditional rank, and because they did, in fact, serve their master even beyond death.  

So, Shingen goes to Uetsu, the Village of Swordmakers to get him some good steel, but apparently Kira anticipated this and has burned it down and killed the sword makers? That seems a bit... extreme.  Anyway, there are Purple Samurai in the village, but they're pretty oblivious to twenty guys on horses riding up.  For some reason Shingen makes the obvious approach, and claims to be farmers, but his pretty son has soft hands, so the lead purple Samurai doesn't buy it. This triggers another Murder-Rage from Keanu, only for the side of good.  He solos the five samurai and arrows the sixth and last one to death with a purple samurai bow. 

Even Shingen is shocked, but they loot the dead. Well, that's six sets of swords down. 

Then the Witch has a brief scene with Mika to explain that Kira is going to rule all of Japan.

Then its Keanu standing in the rain and Shingen comes out to talk to him about going to another village of sword makers. Keanu has a 'nah bro' moment.  They should go to the awesomely named Sea of Trees, the Tengu forest, so all that opening narration wasn't begin wasted on atmospherics.

So, getting to the Sea of Trees means riding past a giant budda carved out of a hillside.

Cut to the brothel where one of the 47 is trying to get more information on Lord Kira's movements, with no real luck until he notices one particular girl. Oh no! She has one blue eye!

Cut to bamboo forest, Keanu exposits about ghosts, and they walk up to a giant budda head lying on the ground like Cloverfield came through the neighborhood recently.  Keanu and Shingen enter the cave under the Buddahead, giving you an idea how big it is, leaving everyone else outside.

So: Keanu tells Shingen to, no matter what, not draw his sword, then walks among what appears to be the creepy yellow monk guys from the Trailer, and into another cave where a single unsheathed sword is standing on its tip in a pool of light making magic sounds.

The Tengu are... weirdly skinless buddists? I guess it could be seen as a red faced bird eyed man with a biggish sort of nose... but definitely not a traditional depiction.  

Shocking no one, Young Samurai leads the others into the cave and draws his sword, so the kneeling Tengu attack.  Something about the scene leads me to believe it is an illusion meant to tempt Shingen.  In the other room Keanu reveals he knows Tengu ghost movement.  And... Shingen's illusion is over and now the kneeling Tengu have swords waiting for him to take, I guess.

Anyway, there is some business about the coolness of the Swords. I officially like Fat Samurai. 

At the farmhouse of meeting, the Brothel Samurai reports that Lord Kira moves tonight, but since he was talking to the witch, we know its gotta be a trick.

Shingen forces his son to stay behind with Old Samurai, and we cut to Kira riding out to meet Mika and announce he is going to his shrine, so...

Night. The Shrine appears to be a bunch of Wicker Men in the middle of nowhere.  Um...okay?   Kira turns around and is the witch instead, and she burns up her patsy with magic.  The Ambush is sprung, lots of arrows and fire that makes it hard to see, but the 47 are not off to a good start here.  Fat Samurai picks up his buddy and pretty much ignores the arrows to carry him, while Keanu and Shingen use their swords to deflect arrows like the bosses they are as the survivors (five? Six?) manage to gather together. Silver Samurai walks into the fire like a boss and cuts down a slow moving survivor that everyone loves. 

They don't show how the survivors get out of the circle of fire, we just see the witch pick up a burnt tengu sword from a corpse with the Silver Samurai attending sometime later. 

She presents it to Kira and we learn it was the loved dude's sword, which was Shingen's sword before he got a tengu sword, so everyone thinks Shingen is dead now. 

Still... pointless and non-heroic way to trim the numbers down, huh?

So the Witch wakes up Mika to report the half-breed is dead, so she clearly thinks no one escaped? She's got the sort of psycho-lesbian girlfriend vibe going on in these scenes.  Anyway: I guess her goal is to get Mika to kill herself because she promised Kira not to kill Mika?   Clearly Mika has better plans for the dagger the Witch left her, and good for her.  I guess the death of Asano really turned her into a proper hard case. 

So, Fat Samurai is dying of Arrows at the Farm of Meeting. He makes a confession to throwing rocks a Keanu as a boy, and Keanu says he always knew because he could see Fat Samurai's belly. I'm glad Fat Samurai is getting a good death.  

I think Young Samurai is broken up by this, but its hard to tell if its him. 

Based on the people shown in the next scene, I guess the 47 are the survivors of the ambush. Keanu sees some sort of procession and calls for Shingen. The procession are performers heading to do a show for Kira, and Shingen seems to recruit them.

Then Young Samurai apologizes to Keanu for being a punk and gives him a sword so he'll be a proper samurai with two.  For a supernatural revenge flick, this is really character driven. 

So, Shingen gives another little speech and everyone signs their names to a document, a record of their plan. So, yes: These are the 47. Those other poor saps killed in the ambush? Not 47. Too bad for them. 

So: The witch sucks at fortune telling.

So the head performer is with the 47 as they pretend to be... lets call them actors. Its simpler that way. 

Mika in her wedding dress gives moderately good bitch face to Lord Kira.  You just know she's got a dagger on her with his name on it. So... the wedding is going to happen at night?  Seems legit. Dramatic lighting is just a bonus, right?

Ok, so only some of the 47 went in as performers, so while the show goes on the rest climb the entire mountain.  These guys are old school vengeance takers.  None of this new fangled shit.  Up hill both ways in the snow, man!

So, while the climbers ninja there way through the castle (classic story element here), Shingen has the balls to be on stage with the real actors.  Mika is the only one to twig, so maybe there is some code going on?  

The Witch starts to twig to something, but the ninjaing is top notch.  Fuck that Last Samurai bullshit, this is how its done.  Shingen almost gets Kira before Kira even knows he's under attack, and thats from twenty feet away on stage, that's how serious this ninjaing is, man. Only one lucky guard survives his ninjaing (that one samurai had three to kill with just a held arrow at once, so its a minor failure) long enough to disrupt his attack with an arrow. 

So the 47 hold the keep portion of the castle? They've got the high ground and are merc'ing fools with arrows like its going out of style until the Silver Samurai just bums rushes the closed gate. Like we ever thought he was actually human, right?

Anyway, he prepares to solo about twenty of the 47 while Keanu tries to catch up (since he was in the yard with Shingen).  That's ok, because Keanu and Shingen are busy merc'ing the entire Purple Samurai Army by themselves.   Then Silver Samurai is blowed up by a bomb in the powder room and it looks like his armor was empty all along. 

Mika pulls her knife but she sucks at knife fighting.  Well, she is a proper lady, but really that is a skill I'd expect a proper lady of any culture to have. Women are vicious, man...

Still, she's good enough to escape if not actually cut anyone, and Kira runs for it, taking the opposite route she did. Of course, why Mika ran when Keanu was right there like a Boss with the sword, I'm not sure.

Outside the 47 are totally owning this revenge shit. Old Samurai is cutting dudes up with a spear, Shingen's kid does a half dozen with a bow from five feet, which isn't impressive marksmanship but is damned impressive for balls, then pulls his sword and commences to cutting.  Even Young Samurai is making sure the Purple Samurai Army won't be conquering any new lands in the near future. 

Mika and Keanu catch up in a snowy, pillar filled courtyard, so you just know this is where the witch will show up.  She does, trailer occurs, then she turns into a flying dragon serpent. Keanu sends Mika back  bit and totally prepares to make dragon fillet for dinner. 

Meanwhile Shingen and Kira find each other on opposite sides of a wooden wall and proceed to commence the cutting regardless of niceties like lines of sight or innocent objects in the way. Which: Badass. 

But back to Keanu:  Keanu ignores faux dragon breath, then back to Shingen, who I just noticed is wearing his team colors! Clever with the acting bit, letting him have Red Pants.  The fights cut back and forth.  Shingen just picks Kira right the fuck up and body slams him through four or five walls, then he totally guts him with the symbolic dagger, which must be the one Asano killed himself with earlier.  That is how you get revenge, my friends.  Keanu? Not so lucky. Dragon just starts batting him around like a cat with a ball of yarn.  Then the dragon goes for Mika, so Keanu can pull out his sweet Tengu Ghost moves and stab the dragon in the head. 

Outside, Shingen totally Conan's Kira's head to stop the Purple Samurai Army from getting too badly embarrassed.  The 47 march out like the Bosses they are as the rest of the Purple Samurai kneel in respect for how badly they just got totally owned. 

They march through the local village, where everyone respects. There is a nice touch with Shingen's wife, reminding us that these characters have lives beyond Revenge and Duty, and how serious business this all is.  

They take Kira's head all the way to Red Castle and to Asano's grave. 

Then Shang Tsung shows up to point out that he specifically ordered them not to do that.  Shingen points out that, yeah... that was a bullshit order he was never gonna obey. 

Even Shang Tsung has to respect how Boss the 47 are, so he lets them do the whole samurai death thing and be buried with Asano, and even Shingen gets a manly tear of manliness at that. 

So, Keanu and Shingen share a cup of tea at Asano's grave, and they talk about how awesome a Samurai Lady Mika is, then Keanu and Mika share a tender, silent moment. Then Mika sort of ruins it with some heavy handed stuff about love and the next world. Its not bad, but I think silence would have been better.

So the 47 prepare for mass suicide before Shang Tsung. I like that Keanu is stuck off in the mass of guys.  This movie got some flack for his casting, but I think it was misguided, though given the trailers understandable.  He isn't the Hero, that's Shingen (who was the japanese kid at the spring in the beginning, if I got the names right).  Anyway, Shang Tsung pulls Shingen's son from the group since Shingen is that Boss at this whole Samurai thing, and basically says he's gotta keep one Shingen alive to be that Boss for next time.  

Which: damn.  I mean, killing yourself with a knife to the stomach is no picnic, as I well know (don't ask...), but not dying alongside your comrades in honor?   Tough call, but orders are orders.  Still, its gotta be a bit of a burn. 

So they all die, no second to cut off their heads, but they've got this whole Samurai thing beat, so no big.   Cut to Mika on the bridge where she was all super-weepy when the Old Man did it, where now she is stoic and boss, but they sort of prove my point about not talking earlier, since Keanu's last letter  thing is just a repeat of what he said to her the night before. 

And End.


This movie is, for lack of a better word, gorgeous.  Its got pageantry and gorgeous scenery. Sure, some of the monster special effects are crap, but that is forgivable. 

Most of all, while it is an american film it pays massive respects to the original story. Keanu is a minor player, really, his job is to counteract the supernatural Witch and to give us a sort of timeless love story of the sort we don't see often... doomed but hopeful.   

Let me say this: It is honest. Even with the addition of supernatural elements, and some of the fast and lose stuff with the historical setting, particularly some of the costumes, it is deeply respectful of the source material and the people of Japan.  I don't know how they see it of course, I can only take it in the spirit it was clearly offered.   This is history offered up through a lens of Legend and Myth, it is larger than life... and since the original is already larger than life it has to go even bigger.   

The fact that no high handed judgments of the duty, of the suicide, is made... in fact it is treated as appropriate... is important.  Too many movies want to take the western point of view about such topics, to stand superior to their subjects. This is part of the reason we complain about The Last Samurai.   Keanu isn't there to translate the culture for us, to whitewash Japan. He's there to serve the story, the outsider whose eventual acceptance is earned as part of a fraternity, to show how they grow together. He is little different in this regards than Toshiro Mifune's character in the Seven Samurai. 

Another point I make is that the Tengu Swords are not used in such a way to detract from the heroism of the 47, which makes their addition to the story inoffensive.  Keanu claims that their special power is to cut... in other words that they are swords, and that is how they are used, interchangeably with the  other swords the Samurai already have.  No one ever says "use your tengu sword to kill him!", and the witch doesn't complain that Keanu uses a Tengu Sword against her. Its steel, it cuts. 

And that is how it should be, the tools in service to the men using them and not the other way around.

Likewise: It is almost an entirely character driven movie, despite the various supernatural bits and the big fight scenes. When Loved Samurai bites it, we know who he is, and even if not well enough to care personally, enough to understand why the characters care. Fat Samurai's death is moving, and even unlikeable characters are not treated as plot pieces to be shoved around according to some scripted role. Young Samurai dies with the rest at the end, a hero and we care. We respect him as a character, flawed but still heroic.

But this is Shingen's Movie, it really is. Because you can't make a movie about 47 guys, no matter how much each one deserves it.  Shingen is tested by the Tengu and proves worthy, Keanu is merely his guide along the way. Shingen is the one who faces failure, who doubts himself. Shingen has the family that must sacrifice for his Duty, the son that will do anything for his respect, and gets it in the end, the wife who will sacrifice along with him if that is her duty because she understands and respects his code, his beliefs.  

So we have an American Movie with a non-american story, non-american morals and values, and a non-american hero, and it is good, great. 


It is devoid of cynicism and of politics, and is a much better movie for it.  



* For the slow: Shingen refers to the Actor's character in The Wolverine. His name in this film is Oshii. Likewise, Shang Tsung is the Shogun, but I refer to his role in Mortal Kombat. I am not inclined to explain this, but since I do love this film I felt I should be a little more helpful than usual. Yes, I regularly refer to actors by roles I've seen them in before rather than by name.  Technically Keanu should be either Ted or Neo, but frankly I didn't think of that while watching because, even as Neo he is Keanu, and Ted is a bit dated.  Wyld Stallions, motherfucker. 

** For the Slow I also offer that I had not seen the film at all, and had only seen passing reviews of it, before I started this RTR.  Even my closing commentary is spontaneous and unresearched, without artifice, so you're getting it unfiltered.  Had I watched it first, then RTR'd I would have started in with Fat Samurai earlier (when Keanu got his beating), and probably had a different name for Young Samurai, who isn't really that Young, but I was still working out who Shingen was at that time, and he was younger than Asano and Shingen, which was good enough.  Also, I really wanted to comment on Asano's hair. Oh... oh god, the hair.  Trust me, I've spared you.